Thinking About Setting Boundaries with a Toxic Parent? Start Here.

Constantly walking on eggshells around a toxic parent, overthinking every decision, and feeling guilty any time you prioritize your own well-being is exhausting. But this is exactly what it’s like surviving a borderline parent, being raised by a narcissist, or growing up in an otherwise dysfunctional family.

For many adult children of emotionally immature parents, the idea of setting boundaries feels impossible and selfish. You may have spent your entire life trying to anticipate their reactions, manage their emotions, or avoid their wrath. But here’s the truth: setting boundaries with a toxic parent isn’t just okay—it’s necessary to your emotional survival.

Why It's So Hard to Prioritize Yourself When You Have Emotionally Immature Parents

When you’re raised by toxic parents, especially ones with traits of borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you often learn to put your parent's needs above your own. These parents may have lacked the emotional skills to regulate themselves and turned to their children to meet their unmet needs—leaving you emotionally enmeshed, confused, and drained.

You were likely taught, either directly or indirectly, that your job was to keep the peace. To be the good kid. The helper. The problem-solver. The therapist. And now, as an adult, you might be asking yourself:
"Am I the problem?"

I know we do not know each other, but I can promise you- you are definitely not the problem. This is how it feels to be the cycle breaker in your family. The one who says, "This is not normal and I'm not going to keep pretending it is."

You my friend are probably the healthiest member of your family (cycle breakers almost always are)—and you're also probably feeling a bit lost right now. I want you to know that healing is possible, breaking this toxic cycle is possible and it starts by choosing yourself.

Here are five steps to help you begin setting boundaries with a toxic parent and reclaiming your sense of self. Need more support and guidance? Check out my free workshop, Setting Boundaries with a Parent You Suspect Has Borderline or Narcissistic Personality disorder: sign up here.

1. Recognize the Patterns

Start by noticing how often your decisions are shaped by fear, guilt, or a desire to avoid conflict. Do you ask yourself “What will my mom say?” every time you make a choice? Do you shrink yourself or over-explain to avoid being seen as selfish? These are signs you’re still emotionally entangled in a toxic dynamic. Awareness is the first step to breaking free.

2. Set Boundaries with Your Parent

Setting boundaries with a toxic parent or BPD parent isn’t just about saying “no”—it’s about reclaiming your right to have needs. This could mean limiting how often you talk, refusing to engage in guilt-tripping conversations, or being clear about what you will and won’t tolerate. Yes, they might react poorly. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means that boundary was necessary.

3. Prioritize Your Needs—Not Theirs

In families with emotionally immature parents, it often feels like there’s no room for you. That ends now.

Start asking yourself:

• What do I want?

• What would bring me peace?

• What do I need to feel safe and grounded?

You don’t owe anyone access to your time, energy, or emotional bandwidth—especially if they’ve consistently used it to cause you harm.

4. Seek Out Support from People Who Get It

Dealing with toxic parents can feel deeply isolating—especially if your friends or partner don’t fully understand the family dynamics at play. That’s why connecting with people who do get it is so important.
If you’re looking for a community of cycle breakers who are also navigating life with emotionally immature or narcissistic parents, come join us in the Confident Boundaries Membership.

You don’t have to do this alone.

5. Learn to Trust Yourself Again

When you’ve spent your whole life being gaslit, manipulated, or blamed, it’s easy to lose trust in your own judgment. But here’s the truth: you can learn to trust yourself again. Start by making one small decision that honors your needs. Then another. Over time, you’ll start to feel more grounded in your own truth—and less reliant on external validation.

You’re Allowed to Choose Peace Over Chaos

Surviving a borderline parent or growing up in a dysfunctional family doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you were shaped by people who didn’t have the tools to love you in a healthy way. But that doesn't mean you have to keep living in survival mode.

Setting boundaries with a toxic parent isn’t an act of cruelty—it’s an act of self-preservation. It's a step towards healing. And it might just be the first leap toward the calm, grounded, and fulfilling life you’ve been craving.

You’re not selfish. You’re not dramatic. And you’re definitely not the problem.

You’re healing. Good for you.