Breaking the Cycle: Navigating Motherhood After Growing Up with a Narcissistic Mother

Motherhood is hard. Motherhood after growing up with a narcissistic upbringing? That’s a whole different kind of hard.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family with emotionally immature parents—especially one where your mom made everything about her—becoming a parent yourself can crack open layers of pain you didn’t even know were still there. It’s not just diapers and schedules—it’s grief, rage, guilt, and healing all tangled together.

In Episode 18 of my podcast, You’re Not Crazy, I share how becoming a mother made me less sympathetic toward my own mom. This blog is about that journey—and what it means to break the cycle of emotional manipulation and start parenting from a place of empathy and truth.

When Motherhood Shines a Light on What You Survived

Growing up, I learned early that my emotions didn’t matter. My mom’s moods, needs, and image were always the priority. I was expected to adapt, to make her feel good, to avoid setting her off.

One moment I’ll never forget? I was a teenager when she casually mentioned that she might move to Indonesia and work there. No explanation. No conversation. Just… gone. I tried to clarify she meant in the future- when my sister and I were off to college, but then she so casually stated, "no, now."

At the time, I didn’t have the words for it. I just knew I was terrified- what did that mean for my sister and myself? I spiraled internally and it hurt. Deeply.

Years later, I questioned her about this interaction hoping to have her comfort me. To see how much pain it caused me and assure me that was never her intention. But, her actual response? She explained to me that she said it with the intention of getting my father (who she was separated from at the time) to ask her to stay. I suppose she thought if she told me, I'd tell him and then her fantasy would be a reality.

You know what didn't happen? My mom didn't care how traumatic this moment was for me. What she did do was communicate clearly that she felt justified in her actions.

Later, in therapy, I unpacked what those moments actually meant to me: abandonment on every level. A reminder that I was never the center of her world—not in the way a child should be.

Accepting the Truth—Without Waiting for Change

One of the hardest things about dealing with toxic parents is accepting them for who they are—not who you hoped they’d become.

I spent years holding onto the fantasy that my mom would have a wake-up moment. That she’d finally acknowledge the pain she caused. That she’d say the words I needed to hear and all could be different moving forward.

That moment where I tried to circle back and revisit a moment between us that was so incredibly painful for me was a moment where a lightbulb went off. It made me realize that I needed to stop waiting for a version of her that doesn’t exist.

Breaking the Pattern in Real Time

Parenting is especially hard when you grew up in a narcissistic household. Not because it's hard to love my daughter, but because I don't know what it feels like to be in a loving parent-child relationship. Yes, I've read the books, I'm a therapist, and I know what is healthy and where to seek support in navigating the challenges. But, I am learning as I go how it feels to build a loving connection where my daughter feels emotionally safe to just be.

I’m not perfect. I mess up. But every time I take responsibility for managing my own emotions, I create space for hers. And seeing her feel so free to express her big feelings is helping to heal parts of myself that were never given that same grace.

Letting Go of the Redemption Fantasy

A huge part of healing from narcissistic parenting is releasing the hope that your parent will change.

Letting go of that fantasy doesn’t mean you’re bitter. It means you’re grounded in reality.

It means you’ve stopped giving your energy to someone who consistently harmed you—and started pouring that energy into yourself, your child, your chosen relationships.

You can still love your parent. You can even have contact with them. But when you stop waiting for them to become someone else, you get to start healing yourself.

This Is Hard Work—And You’re Not Alone In It

I know how isolating this can feel. Watching other people gush about their moms while you’re still processing betrayal, abandonment, or manipulation is brutal.

But I want you to know: you are not alone.
And your pain is real—even if your parent refuses to acknowledge it.

Motherhood can be a powerful portal for healing.
It can also be a landmine of grief.
There's no rule that says multiple things can't be true at the same time.

You’re allowed to feel resentment toward the parent who failed you—and deep love for the child you’re raising differently.

You’re allowed to protect your peace.

Let’s Keep Breaking the Cycle—Together

If you’re navigating motherhood after a narcissistic or emotionally immature parent, I want you to know: you don’t have to figure it out alone.

Inside the Confident Boundaries Online Community, none of this is off limits. The grief. The guilt. The triggers. The healing. You’ll find tools, workshops, coaching, and people who get it.

You’re not crazy for feeling what you feel.
You’re just healing.
And I’m so proud of you for that.