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In this week's episode:
Do you question whether your parent actually is as toxic as they feel sometimes? Then this episode is for you.
Today, I’m diving into why so many adult children of narcissistic or borderline parents minimize their trauma, second-guess themselves, and stay stuck in relationships that continue to harm them.
We’ll talk about how those temporary “good moments” with your toxic parent aren’t proof that they’re safe—they’re part of the abuse cycle. Those calm stretches after explosive fights are what keep so many of us hooked, waiting for the parent wewishwe had to finally show up for good.
I also share a personal story from a full-on family meltdown in a hospital waiting room (spoiler alert: security got involved 🤦🏻♀️).
If you’re stuck in self-doubt and wondering whether your parent isreallytoxic enough to need boundaries… make sure to go take my free workshop:confidentboundaries.com/workshop. You’ll walk away with clarity, language, and tools that might just change everything for you.
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. I'm your host, Tori Wixel, a therapist and coach with over a decade of experience in the mental health field. Now let's jump in. Welcome back to the podcast this Tuesday morning. I know this one is coming a little late to you. I apologize. I had a technical issue. That was really not a technical issue, it was more user error. I forgot to turn on my new fancy microphone when I recorded over the weekend and so when I went back to edit it yesterday there was no volume there. So anyways, we live, we learn and we're moving on.
Torie Wiksell:
I am going to skip over almost all of the updates this morning because I have a jam-packed day and I want to get this episode out to you before I start seeing therapy clients. The one thing I do want to mention is for anyone who hasn't already taken my workshop Setting Boundaries with a Parent you Suspect has Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is up live for you to take. Right now you can go to confidentboundariescom slash workshop. You can sign up for free and it is jam-packed. Everyone who has attended the previous versions of this workshop has walked away with a very clear plan as to how to set boundaries with a parent who you think might have BPD or MPD. Maybe you're not sure. This workshop gives you a ton of clarity around all of that. And it's not this fluffy. Let's talk in circles for an hour. It's not this fluffy. Let's talk in circles for an hour. It is jam-packed and I'm talking a mile a minute to try to get you as much information as quickly as humanly possible. You're going to walk away feeling way more empowered and clear on how you can set boundaries with a parent like this, which leads me to our topic of today like this, which leads me to our topic of today. This one is such an important one we talk about because it comes up all the time, and this gets in people's way of actually setting effective boundaries.
Torie Wiksell:
And it's this worry what if my parent isn't that bad? What if I'm blowing things out of proportion? What if they're a little bit difficult? But I am really overreacting. Do they really have BPD or MPD? Do they have borderline personality disorder? Is my parent a narcissist? I don't think they could be, because I have these positive memories too, and so many people adore them and love them.
Torie Wiksell:
This is something that so many of us struggle with. In fact, maybe every single person who has a parent like this struggles with. It's this minimization of the pain and the trauma that we've experienced because, overall, our parent is appearing to be this highly functional human. That is where it gets so tricky mentally when you have grown up with a parent who has really toxic, abusive, up with a parent who has really toxic, abusive, neglectful behaviors. As an adult, you're trying to learn how to be an emotionally healthy human, and you know that you didn't get taught how to do that for some reason. And so you bounce back and forth between these two realities One where maybe you're blowing things out of proportion, and the other where you're very aware of the fact that there weren't healthy emotional expressions in your home growing up.
Torie Wiksell:
People didn't address conflict at all, maybe, or in a healthy way. Oftentimes in families like this, there's a huge blow up and then everyone just ignores each other for a while and then, when it's decided that you're allowed to move on, no one ever references the conflict ever again and you just keep moving forward. These are super destructive things. These aren't normal. These aren't things that healthy families do. These aren't things that emotionally healthy adults do. Emotionally healthy adults, emotionally healthy families. They address conflict, they apologize to each other when they've upset the other person, when they've hurt feelings person when they've hurt feelings.
Torie Wiksell:
And it's very confusing when you grow up in a household where there are times that feel good or feel nice or feel pleasant. It's like that cycle of abuse, the honeymoon period right After a big blow up. Oftentimes things are great and maybe you're being love-bombed. Things just feel easy and calm and peaceful and no one wants to rock the boat in that situation, because you know how bad it can be when there's a blow-up. But because there is that honeymoon period that really messes with our mind, that's what makes us doubt the reality and the severity of the trauma that we grew up in. That is what makes it hard to see the big picture. Is that calm after the storm that gives you hope that maybe things could be like this all the time. Maybe your parent is capable of being this version of themselves. Okay, that is what I want you to see. Is that is also an element of the abuse, the honeymoon period, although it feels nice and pleasant and calm and peaceful and it gives us hope and it allows us to take a breath for a second. That is all part of the abuse cycle.
Torie Wiksell:
When people are emotionally healthy people, there aren't these extreme highs and lows. That high feels so good because the low feels so horrible. And when you're talking about an emotionally healthy family, the difference is that of course there's conflict, Of course people are rude to each other at times, Of course people are tired and they snap at each other. But the difference is there's accountability, there's empathy and there's repair. In emotionally healthy families, there is always accountability, there's always empathy and there's always repair. And this is not something that happens one time. This is something that happens all the time. In an emotionally healthy family, People acknowledge when they have hurt each other, they take accountability, they learn from that situation, they really take it in, they try to understand what happens and they go through the effort of repairing that damage. That was done.
Torie Wiksell:
My guess is that was not something that happened in your family at all, because that doesn't happen in these types of families. There is zero accountability from our parents. Or if there is this accountability, it is often externally prompted. It is not something that our parents are intrinsically willing to do. They do not admit to their flaws or their faults and if they do, it is in an extremely manipulative way where they become this victim. I guess I'm just the worst parent ever. I don't know why you even put up with me. I don't know why I can't ever seem to do anything right in your eyes. Those are all the victim mentality manipulation. That's not real accountability. Real accountability is I am so sorry that I hurt you. That was not my intention and I see that it still did.
Torie Wiksell:
I'm going to be very mindful of how I approach situations like this, moving forward, because that is the last thing I want to do is to hurt you. That is profoundly different than what I imagine you've experienced growing up. That is profoundly different than what I imagine you've experienced growing up. That is profoundly different than what I experienced growing up. And these are the elements of growing up in a dysfunctional family that gets so confusing. These are the elements that are really easy to distort in our brains, and that's because our brains have been distorted overall by the trauma that we've experienced.
Torie Wiksell:
And one thing that never helps trauma is when you're mentally, internally, trying to just figure it all out yourself. That is never an effective way to process trauma. There are many roads that can help us process trauma. There are therapies like EMDR, IFS that are great for processing trauma. There are somatic things that you could do. Even yoga can be incredibly helpful for bridging that mind-body connection that gets severed when we experience chronic trauma. There are many avenues that are helpful for processing trauma and I truly believe it's one of those things where not only are there many avenues, but one's not better than the other. They complement each other. Like you and I have talked about emotional regulation on this podcast before how to tolerate difficult emotions. All of these elements help work together to allow us to process trauma.
Torie Wiksell:
But the other big piece of the picture here is that it's really important to have safe people that you can talk with and that you can share the thoughts that you're struggling with. If you are questioning whether or not your family is a dysfunctional family, if you are questioning and doubting whether or not your parent is a toxic parent, whether they may or may not have BPD or MPD, if you are questioning all of this and you are doing so internally in your own brain, it is going to drive you crazy. It's going to make you feel crazy. You have to talk with other people who you trust, who have demonstrated that they have your best interest at heart, who you trust to give you honest feedback and to tell you yeah, that's not normal, that's bad, that's not good, that's not a little deal, that's a really big deal, Because you've had this echo chamber around you of your family telling you throughout your life that you're wrong, that it's not that big of a deal. Why are you freaking out? It's not that bad, it's not that big of a deal. And so, if you're doubting yourself, if you're doubting your judgment, if you're doubting your perspective, and you're trying to think through that yourself without being able to process it aloud with someone else, what's going to happen is you're going to get stuck in that loop where you're hearing the voices of other people echoing around, making it so much harder for you to feel confident that setting boundaries is a valid thing for you to do, that it's necessary, that it's important, that it's healthy. This is where so many people get stuck and before we wrap this up, I'm going to share just a little personal story here. So buckle up.
Torie Wiksell:
I'm going to keep some of these details vague for personal reasons. There was a situation in my family where Many of my extended family members were all at a hospital together when I was pregnant with my daughter and we were there for a family member who was hospitalized and it was an entirely embarrassing situation. Our family was so dysfunctional and dramatic that security had to be involved because certain family members were not allowing other family members to get in to visit this one family member. There were actual verbal arguments taking place in the hospital. It was quite possibly one of the most mortifying situations ever. It was so embarrassing. It was so completely and entirely embarrassing and my husband and I were standing there just looking at each other. What are we doing here? This is just insanity.
Torie Wiksell:
And then one of my family members turned to me and said Tori, you're a therapist. This is nothing. This is no big deal at all. You must know what actual family problems are. And I just looked at them and thought if this isn't a problem, I don't know in what world you think anything is a problem. This is in no way, shape or form normal To have security running interference with a family of all adults who apparently cannot behave in an appropriate manner, to be in a hospital. It is just insanity. This is not normal. The fact that you're saying to my face with a straight face that me, as a therapist, I should know that this is not that big of a deal is just so shocking. But that's what happens in dysfunctional families. All of these things get normalized and even when it is so blatantly obvious that this is completely inappropriate, toxic behavior, they double down. And so that day it was really my husband and I that were looking at each other saying what's going on. But again, I'm the black sheep of my family. I'm the cycle breaker. Everyone else was so invested in the drama, in the dynamics, the toxic dynamics, in who was being wronged and who was in the right, and the drama and all of that, and it's just so exhausting.
Torie Wiksell:
What I want to say to you is that if you are in that place of feeling stuck and I don't know if my situation is really that bad I don't know if I need to do a workshop where I learn how to set boundaries. I don't even know if I should be setting boundaries right now. I want to really encourage you sign up for the workshop, Take it. What is the worst that can happen? You learn how to effectively set boundaries. Okay, you never have to do it.
Torie Wiksell:
But let's say you're doubting yourself. You're in this stuck place and you sign up for the workshop and you have a light bulb moment where you say, oh, this isn't normal and I actually really do need these skills and I really do need to think about setting some healthy and effective boundaries in my life. I think that is a good potential benefit if you're in that stuck place and it's up to you. But in my perspective I think that's totally worth the gamble. That hour may or may not be what you're looking for. So if you're ready, if you agree with me, head over to confidentboundariescom slash workshop, sign up for the free workshop and then circle back and let me know what you think. Have a great rest of your week, you guys. I'll see you next Tuesday. Bye, Thanks so much for joining me for another episode of You're Not Crazy. If you like the podcast, please leave a review and rate us five stars. It helps so much. And make sure to check the show notes for links to bonus podcast episodes and other ways I can help. See you soon.
About the Show
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, the podcast for adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. I’m Torie Wiksell, therapist, coach, and cycle breaker- here to guide you through the complexities of growing up in a dysfunctional family each week.
If you’re tired of wondering, “Am I the problem?”, or struggling through gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and setting boundaries with toxic parents, you’re in the right place. This show is here to help you heal, break free from codependency, and reclaim your emotional health — whether that means setting boundaries, going no-contact, or finding peace in your relationships.
You’re not crazy and you're not alone. I'm so glad you're here.
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