Torie Wiksell: 0:14
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. I'm your host, Torie Wiksell, a therapist and coach with over a decade of experience in the mental health field. Now let's jump in. Hi guys. Welcome back to this episode of You're Not Crazy. So today we're going to talk a little bit about the things that get in the way of setting healthy boundaries, even though we all know that we need to set them, right? So when you're dealing with a parent who has either borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, it's very unfun to challenge them. It's very unfun to set a boundary. That's just the reality, and so I'm sure that part of what is giving you hesitation about setting boundaries is just the thought that dealing with their response and their pushback is just going to be way too exhausting and you don't have the energy to do it. And trust me, I hear you and I get it, and I've said it before and I'm going to say it again—when you have a parent who has BPD or narcissistic personality disorder, every road is exhausting. You just need to choose which exhausting it’s going to be, okay? Which flavor of exhausting are you going to go with? Because the course that you're on is exhausting and if you do the same thing or you do nothing, it's going to keep being exhausting and it's going to keep being exhausting forever. And if you make a change, there is this potential, right? Potential that, yes, while it is going to be more exhausting in the short term, because it's going to take energy and effort from you to do something different and to figure out how to do something different and then to actually enforce that something different, in the long term it’s really going to pay off because if you can push through that short-term extra level of distress that comes from having to set a boundary that feels exhausting and draining to set, then the outcome is that you get, overall, big picture, to live a happier and less stressful life.
Torie Wiksell: 2:37
And so, when it comes to boundaries and that inevitable thought that comes up with, “I just can’t deal with this right now. I don’t have the time. I don’t have the time, I don’t have the energy,” I really want to encourage you to challenge yourself on that and say, "I’m going to take a step back and look at the reality, which is I can keep doing things how I’ve always done them and while I might have a little bit of relief right in this moment, for just as a result of not dealing with this and not setting a boundary or not doing anything new, big picture, I’m going to keep feeling as stressed out as I have been." Or I could, you know, dig down deep and take what energy I do have and set a boundary so that a week, a few months, a year from now, I’m in a way better place.
Torie Wiksell: 3:33
And I think the more that you can challenge yourself on that idea or that fear of setting the boundary, because it just feels too draining, the more you can kind of have that internal conflict or the internal conversation with yourself around, “Okay, all of it is draining. Which draining do I want?” It puts you back in the driver’s seat. It allows you to make an active choice, and even if that active choice is, "I’m still going to do what I’ve always done before." At least you’re taking ownership of that decision and you know that there is another option available to you, and that is so important.
Torie Wiksell: 4:14
Okay, so that’s the big one. I know that’s on everyone’s mind, and either that is something you’re struggling with right now or you’ve struggled with in the past. So what are some other things that get in the way of setting boundaries with a parent with BPD or narcissistic personality disorder? Well, a huge one is not actually knowing what to do. Right? If you know that you want to set a boundary, but you don’t really know how to do that successfully, that’s going to get in the way of you setting that boundary.
Torie Wiksell: 4:50
You’re not exposed to other adults modeling healthy boundary setting, right? You’re really having to figure this out for yourself now as an adult, and I’ve been there and it’s hard and it takes time and it takes energy and, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, one of my coping mechanisms I’ve developed through the years is I, you know, smile a lot and I, you know, find the humor in things. So if I laugh, it’s definitely not because I think lightly of any of this, it’s just, you know, you got to find humor in situations that are really stressful if you want to keep on trucking and not get stuck in the dirt and the muck, as my toddler daughter's book likes to remind us. So anyway, circling back, if you don’t know what to do to set a boundary, then of course you’re not going to set it, and that is why I think it’s so important that I put together that four-step plan that I talked about last podcast episode of how to actually set a boundary successfully, because it’s really important that you have a clear plan, clear steps, right? What is your goal, what are you trying to do, what are you trying to achieve? What are the important things that you need to focus on and what doesn’t actually matter that much in the implementation of this boundary, right? And so, again, if you’re needing more direction, if this is a specific one that you’re struggling with, that’s on ConfidentBoundaries.com. You can grab the guide there. You can download it. It’s really digestible, really easy to go through—10-page PDF. But if you need a little bit more support than just that, just a reminder I’m doing a workshop coming up next Friday, Friday, September 6th, at two o’clock Pacific time.
Torie Wiksell: 6:46
It’s going to be recorded. You’re going to have access for the recording for a couple of days after the event. So if you can attend live, don’t worry, you’ll get the recording emailed to you. And you can attend live, don’t worry, you’ll get the recording emailed to you and you can check it out over the weekend. I want to really encourage you to not buy the workbook and instead sign up for this workshop, and the reason is the workbook, which I discounted down on my website to $39 to make it more accessible, is $39, right? This workshop admission registration is $49. So for $49, you can either come live to the workshop or you can watch the replay. And I’m going to go through this workbook in the workshop. Oh my gosh, way too many works. I’m going to walk you through it. You’re also going to get a copy of the workbook for free when you register for the workshop. So for $10 more you get the workbook. Plus you can either come live or watch back the replay of me talking through in much more detail what’s inside of the workbook.
Torie Wiksell: 7:58
And then also in the workshop, we’re going to talk about safety issues because, especially with clients—especially with adults—it's been a... you know, it’s been a week. My brain is off. Adults who are struggling with a parent with borderline personality disorder, um, very, very, very often have concerns about either their parents' safety or their safety implementing boundaries. So in the workshop I’m going to touch on that and I’m going to talk through some of the common concerns that come up and ways you can go around preparing and working through those concerns before you implement boundaries. So those are the top two, I would say, things that really get in people’s way when they’re thinking about setting boundaries with a challenging parent. But I’m going to throw in a third one for the sake of our podcast, because two just seems like not enough, right, and I could list 10 more, but I’m sure you all have things to do with your day.
Torie Wiksell: 9:05
So one more that often gets in people’s way is this idea that “I don’t want to rock the boat.” There’s going to be a ripple effect if I set a boundary and you’re not wrong. In a family, unless it’s just you and your parent, there is probably going to be a ripple effect, whether it’s between you and your other parent or siblings or cousins or aunts and uncles or grandparents. This family is going to have the other family members. They’re going to have opinions about you setting a boundary, and some might be super supportive of it and some might not, and you might not know which category people are going to fall into, or you might have a really good idea and be freaked out by it, and so I think that this one is so valid and this is something that therapy and coaching can be really helpful with, because being able to talk through these concerns and really get clarity on what you want to do about them can really help you overcome them so that you can still move forward and set the boundaries that you want to set, because, at the end of the day, my biggest goal is to help you get to a place where you feel empowered to set boundaries that you want to set.
Torie Wiksell: 10:25
That’s what we all need to do as healthy adults, right? Whether it’s with our parents or at work, or in our friendships or in our romantic life. We need to know how to set healthy boundaries, we need to be capable of setting healthy boundaries and we need to actually set those healthy boundaries. So I hope that today you got a glimpse into what that reality would look like for you and some ways that you can go about overcoming some of the really common obstacles that people encounter when they’re hesitant on setting a boundary with a parent with either borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. Thanks for joining me and I’ll see you guys next week. Bye. You can find all of the information I talked about today at ConfidentBoundaries.com. As always, thanks so much for listening to this episode and, if you like the podcast, please rate us five stars on Apple Podcasts and make sure to subscribe. See you next week.