Torie Wiksell: 0:14
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. I'm your host, Torie Wiksell, a therapist and coach with over a decade of experience in the mental health field. Now let's jump in. Let's talk about finding a therapist when you have a parent who has BPD or narcissistic personality disorder. So this one is tricky, and before we get into what I suggest you ask potential therapists to see if they might be a good fit for you, let's talk about my own personal experiences in therapy that didn't go so great.
Torie Wiksell: 0:58
Myself, I've had, you know, a handful of therapists throughout my adult life, two of which have been amazing. One of those I still work with to this day, and the other one I worked with for, gosh, probably six years as a young adult. Both awesome, fantastic, and I am so grateful. But what I am trying to communicate here is that those were not the first two therapists that I happened to see. Sometimes it takes a minute to find a therapist who's a good fit for you, and it is completely okay to say, "No thanks. I don't think you understand my situation" and try someone new, and I hope for you that the very first therapist that you call and meet with is going to be the best fit ever for you. But that's just simply not usually the case. I mean, I shouldn't say usually, it's not always the case, and I think there are definite challenges when you have a parent with a personality disorder that really come into play when finding a therapist who's a good fit. So let me tell you a little story about one therapist that I saw for a very short amount of time before I decided they were not a good fit for me. So I picked this therapist because they had an awesome resume. They were a PhD psychologist, they went to an Ivy League school, they had experience and a focus on challenging family dynamics, and I thought, wow, this is someone who can totally help me. They have all of this education. I was still an intern therapist—that’s what they used to call us. Now they’re associate therapists—but essentially I was still working on getting my education or my training, my experience in training, so that I could test for my license to practice independently.
Torie Wiksell: 3:01
So here I am, a therapist who's working but still relatively new to the field and really wanting support navigating some really traumatic and really toxic family situations. And so I went to this therapist and I gave her background on my experience and what I was coming into therapy for help with, and I was really at this point where I was debating whether or not to go no contact with certain family members because I just didn't like the version of myself that would come out when I was interacting with them. And so I'm talking with her and I'm explaining my history of growing up with a mom with unmanaged BPD and explaining some really complicated, really traumatic, and abusive situations that have happened in the past, and this therapist, for several sessions, okay, blatantly told me that I should not even consider going no contact with family members because the research out there showed that it was detrimental to someone's mental health to do so. And I remember just being so perplexed and confused as to how I could be talking about these series of traumas that have occurred throughout my life, and to have someone look at me and say, essentially, it doesn't matter what's happened to you, it doesn't matter how abusive these dynamics are, you should figure out how to make them work and to keep these people in your life. That, to me, was the ultimate gaslighting and it's just unfortunately not uncommon.
Torie Wiksell: 4:57
There's this belief system that many people in the mental health field have that you should always maintain some sort of relationship with your family of origin. That's the family you were born into. I think it's crazy. I've always thought it's crazy and, granted, I'm biased because my family dynamics have been really messed up, but I think it's just a bizarre concept to have. Like, if someone came to therapy and said my boss is being really abusive, or, you know, I was assaulted or I was, you know, attacked or abused in this way, or I have a friend who's treating me horribly, or I'm in an abusive relationship with my partner, a therapist is not going to say, "Well, figure out how to make this relationship work, because it's far worse for you to end it." But there are therapists out there, even ones that appear to have a great education and training, who will completely discourage you from thinking about going no contact or setting really firm boundaries with people in your life that have been abusive, if those people happen to be your family members and your parents.
Torie Wiksell: 6:21
And so one thing I want to really emphasize is that it's really important, when you have a complicated and dysfunctional and toxic and abusive family dynamic, that you ask a potential therapist about their perspective on working with clients. With those dynamics in your free—which hopefully all therapists at this point in time have your free phone consultation before you even set up your initial appointment—you want to really ask, you know, what is your stance, or do you have a stance on clients deciding to go no contact with a parent who's been abusive? And essentially, the answer you're looking for is that the therapist is going to tell you that they're going to support you in exploring the different potential decisions that you can make for yourself and support you in deciding for yourself what is best for you and what makes the most sense for you and what you need to do for yourself to heal. Because I can tell you I don't know the answer for you, I don't know the answer for everyone that I work with, but I certainly know the answer for myself, and you do too, and I think the role of a therapist is to help you talk through and look at what your options actually are, how those options might impact you, talk you through these different avenues so that you feel empowered to make a decision that works for you.
Torie Wiksell: 8:05
But your therapist should not tell you, "You must go no contact" or "You have to set this boundary," or "You should never, ever consider going no contact with a family member, because, oh my, you're doomed mentally if you ever do." I mean, all of that is just bullshit. And so if you're talking to someone, it's really important that they really have your best interest in mind and the belief that you are capable of making your own decisions for yourself, with encouragement and support and validation that abuse is never okay, whether it happens within a family or outside of a family relationship. So another question that I really encourage you to ask a potential new therapist is, "What experience do you have actually working with clients with personality disorders?" This is so important, and I cannot emphasize enough how important this is, because personality disorders are very complex, they're very complicated, they're very layered, and your therapist needs to have a really, really, really good grasp on what is a helpful technique to use when you're setting boundaries with someone with a personality disorder, how processing these relationships will look different than processing other relationships, and what are some of the genuine safety concerns that are going to need to be addressed before you even think about implementing a boundary with a parent with BPD or narcissistic personality disorder.
Torie Wiksell: 9:49
So, for your own interest. Please make sure that when you choose a therapist, that therapist supports you making the decisions that you want to make and they understand the relationship with your parent. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of You're Not Crazy. If you want to learn more and connect with me, please follow me on Instagram at Torie Wiksell and check out my therapy and coaching websites TorieWiksellTherapy.com and ConfidentBoundaries.com. See you next episode.
