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Torie Wiksell: 0:14 

Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. I'm your host, tori Wixel, a therapist and coach with over a decade of experience in the mental health field. Now let's jump in. Hi guys, welcome back for this episode of the You're Not Crazy podcast. I, as always, am thrilled to be here talking with you guys this week. Today we're going to talk about something that I think trips a lot of people up and brings up a lot of fear and hesitation in making what would be really healthy decisions. But before we do, I want to tell you about some fun things going on in my world this week.

Torie Wiksell: 1:02 

So many of you have reached out and asked if bonus podcast episodes of You're Not Crazy could be available to people who are not in the community. So bonus podcast episodes are always available to anyone in the Confident Boundaries online community. However, if you are not a part of our online community and you are interested in listening to bonus podcast episodes, there's now a way for you to do that. You can go to confidentboundariescom, slash bonus episodes and sign up for $5, $10, or $20 a month. No matter the level you sign up at, you will get access to two bonus episodes of the podcast each month. There are already six episodes in there for you, waiting right now for you to listen to, but if that's something that you're interested in, head on over to confidentboundariescom. Slash bonus episodes. As a bonus episode subscriber, not only do you get access to more content, but you also help me keep this podcast ad free while allowing me to improve the quality of the content in the free episodes. So I really appreciate your support for the podcast. Again, I appreciate everyone who shows up here every week listening to me chat away for about 20 minutes. So if you're looking for more of that, head on over to the website, sign up and, as always, these weekly podcast episodes will keep coming at you for free as long as you will continue to listen to me talk.

Torie Wiksell: 2:40 

Oh, before we jump in, I almost forgot to mention something really exciting and important. Just a reminder our second live Boundaries Workshop is happening tonight. So if you're listening to this on Tuesday, april 1st, you still have time to hop on over to confidentboundariescom slash boundaries workshop and sign up to join me tonight. It's happening at 5 pm Pacific time. It's free, it is live. If you can't attend live, but are still interested on learning how to set boundaries with a BPD or MPD parent. Sign up anyways, because I will send you the recording and you have about, I think, a day or so to listen or to watch it after it goes up, so make sure to hop on over there. I will be doing more boundaries workshops in the future. However, I think I'm going to take a slight break from doing it, so hop on over there. Make sure you sign up for tonight's if you're interested. Otherwise it might be a minute until I do the next round.

Torie Wiksell: 3:43 

Okay, all that housekeeping out of the way, let's dive into today's episode. Today I want to talk about something that is really scary for most people who have a very complicated and difficult relationship with a BPD or MPD parent. It's thinking about going no contact. Now, before you start screaming at me and saying, tori, you've always told us you'll never tell us if we should go no contact what to do as far as maintaining or leaving, exiting a relationship with our BPD and MPD parent, I still stand by that. This episode is not to convince you to go no contact with your parent. If anything, I think that a lot of the work I do is really focused on helping you try to maintain this relationship in a way that is healthy and realistic to the extent that that is possible so that if you do go no contact, you know that you've tried everything else.

Torie Wiksell: 4:48 

I am not anti-relationships with family members or parents. That is not my jam. I am also not of the mindset that everyone should have a relationship with their family just because they were born into that family. I think that this is a really complicated and nuanced thing and I think when there is abuse and toxic behavior within any relationship, it is absurd to put the onus of fixing that onto the person who is being victimized. And as far as I'm concerned, anytime we're talking about a parent and adult child relationship, we are talking about a parent-child dynamic and the onus really falls on the parent here. So hopefully I didn't lose you, hopefully you're still with me, hopefully you're open to hearing what my thoughts are about thinking about going no contact and how we could possibly devote an episode to this without me trying to convince you that you should.

Torie Wiksell: 5:51 

The reason why I want you to start thinking about what would be your deal breakers, where you would seriously have to consider going no contact with your parent, is because I think a lot of the times when we are so desperately trying to save the relationship with our parents, when we are trying to set boundaries, when we are thinking about what is realistic, what does a realistic relationship with my parent look like? I think sometimes we, oftentimes we're really afraid of thinking what would be next steps if my parent can't respect this boundary? How do I go about enforcing it? If they continue to trample all my boundaries? What do I do next?

Torie Wiksell: 6:39 

I think we get very freaked out of thinking big picture, because big picture includes what if my parent just gives me nothing to work with? What if they continue to do all of the things that I've asked them not to do? What if, no matter how hard I'm enforcing my boundaries, how consistently I'm enforcing my boundaries, what if I cannot have a boundary relationship with my parent that is healthy for me at all? What if that is the reality and I have to either live in this unhealthiness or go no contact with my parent? And of course, that would be a really scary, scary thought, right? That's not someplace mentally that is easy to go to. There are so many emotions that come up. It is so sad and painful and all of the things. That is not anyone's ideal situation.

Torie Wiksell: 7:44 

No one that grows up with a BPD or MPD parent that is trying to break the cycle thinks, oh, it would be so fun to go. No contact with my parent, right? No, we're here because it is so painful and all we want is to be loved and seen and respected, and all we want is our parent to show up for us in the way that we need them to, that we've always needed them to, and to think about a reality where that is not a possibility and the only option to protect yourself is to end the relationship with your parent. That is terrifying, so it doesn't surprise me that people don't want to spend a lot of time and energy here, because it is really scary.

Torie Wiksell: 8:30 

But I think that one of the most important things when you are able to have a healthy, boundary relationship with a BPD or MPD parent is that you are making decisions for yourself about your life. You are at a place where you realize that you have the autonomy to make your own decisions, that you have a say in this too. When you were a kid, you didn't decisions. That you have a say in this too. When you were a kid, you didn't. You didn't have a say in it. But now you're an adult and now you do. Now you get to have a say in what your life looks like, who's in your life, what your relationships look like, the energy and effort that you put into those relationships, the time that you put into those relationships. You have so much more autonomy over your life than you did when you were a kid.

Torie Wiksell: 9:22 

Growing up in your family and having autonomy over your life means looking at all of your options and making the best option that you can for yourself with the information that you have at that time. And when we're talking about boundaries with BPD or MPD parents, part of that means looking at what would have to happen in order for you to feel that you have no other options to protect yourself than to go no contact. I think looking at that is so important because ultimately, even if you never go no contact with your parent, even if you never have the desire to, even if it's not on your realm of potential possibilities at all, then that right there tells you what boundaries you need to set. That right there tells you these are the things that have to change in my relationship with my parent if I want to save this relationship and that is really powerful, right? We don't want you going to a challenging parent who is unable to regulate their own emotions or take ownership and accountability for their actions and give them a list of like 50 boundaries right, that's not going to be successful. It's just going to make everyone angry. That's not realistic.

Torie Wiksell: 10:56 

We need to be really clear on what are the deal breakers here. What are the boundaries that I need to enforce? What are the things that I have to do in order to maintain this relationship and I think you test the water with those things, right. For example, if that deal breaker for you is the financial dependence of, let's say because I know it can go both ways but, let's say, your parents' financial dependence on you, because I think that this becomes very, very stressful as our parents get older. If that is something that has to change in order for you to maintain a relationship with them, then you can ask yourself what are expectations that my parent has of me that I need to be clear, are not possible or are not going to be available to them anymore? What are things on my end that I can change as far as how I interact with my parent, what I say to them, what I do. That will help take this aspect out of our relationship. It allows you to start brainstorming things that, if they don't change, will make it almost impossible for you to maintain a relationship with your parent while maintaining your own emotional health and sanity.

Torie Wiksell: 12:25 

Thinking about going no contact is not something that you should think about when you have what I like to call well, what everyone likes to call. Who do I think I am what I like to call a mic drop moment. Okay, please, tori, I don't want you to only think about going no contact when you're at that emotional 10 level rage. I don't want you to only think about going no contact when you have your mic drop moment and that fantasy of telling your parent to F off actually becomes a reality, because let me tell you that fantasy is so much better in your imagination than it is in real life. That is going to be an explosion. I don't think you want that. I think, if you choose, ultimately, to go no contact, you want to do so in a very you mindful way, where you know that this is a decision you're making not out of emotion but out of necessity, so starting to think about what that would look like and then working your way back gives you a lot of room to really work on saving the relationship. Now I do know we have some listeners here who have gone no contact with their parents, and I imagine we have some listeners like me whose BPD or MPD parent has since passed.

Torie Wiksell: 13:54 

Those situations don't necessarily just mean everything is hunky-dory and wonderful and easy-peasy. Growing up with a parent like this period makes life complicated for a lot of reasons, and healing happens through the process of healing, not through the process of your parent or not, through whether or not your parent is actively in your life or not. Those are two separate things. So you could be no contact with your parent and have a lot of work to do around healing. Your parent could have passed. You could have much, much work. You could have a lot of work to do around healing. You could still have a relationship with your parent and have a lot of work to do around healing.

Torie Wiksell: 14:41 

Right, no matter where you are in your journey of boundaries healing, just becoming aware of these dynamics if your parent has passed. We all have this common thread of growing up in a really confusing, a really dysfunctional, a really chaotic, a really unique dynamic, and I do want to do some episodes moving forward about when your BPD or MPD parent passes and after you do go. No contact with some of the challenges are for that. But I would also really love to hear from you about what you guys are wanting to hear from me. So make sure to reach out to me. Dm me on Instagram, tori at Confident Boundaries, or email me, tori T-O-R-I-E at ConfidentBoundariescom. Let me know what you're currently struggling with so that I can make sure to focus on those episodes moving forward.

Torie Wiksell: 15:47 

I am so grateful for you guys. I love doing this podcast and I am so, so grateful that it has been so helpful to so many of you. I love it. I will continue to show up every week, like I said in the beginning, as long as you are willing to listen to me, talk your ears off. So, if no one else has told you this week, I want to make sure you hear from me. You're doing great. This is so hard. You listening to this podcast is enough. If you're ready to do more than that, you know where to find me. Until next week, I'll see you guys. Thanks so much for joining me for another week of You're Not Crazy. If you like the podcast, please make sure to rate us five stars and leave a review. It helps so much. And make sure to check the show notes for discounts and updates of what's going on in my world. Okay, I'll see you next week.