How to Find a Therapist Who Actually Gets It (If You Grew Up With a Toxic Parent)

If you’ve ever worked up the courage to share your childhood trauma in therapy—only to have a therapist say something like, “But she’s still your mom…”

You already know:
Finding the right therapist when you’re dealing with emotionally immature parents is no small feat.

In this episode of You’re Not Crazy, I’m pulling back the curtain on what it really takes to find a therapist who understands the complicated, often gut-wrenching reality of surviving a borderline parent or navigating life with a narcissist parent.

Whether you're low-contact, no-contact, or still figuring it out—this one’s for you.

The Problem With “Keep the Family Together” Therapy

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room:
The mental health field hasn’t always gotten things right.

There’s a long-standing belief in the therapy world that maintaining family ties should be the ultimate goal. But when you're dealing with a parent who has borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), that advice can be actively harmful.

In this episode, I share stories from my own healing journey—including one infuriating experience with an Ivy League-trained therapist. That therapist may have had the credentials—but she absolutely did not get it.

If You’re Dealing With a BPD or NPD Parent, Your Therapist Needs to Understand Personality Disorders

Working with adult children of narcissistic or borderline parents is not your average talk therapy. It’s complex. It’s layered. It often involves gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and deep attachment trauma.

That’s why one of the biggest takeaways from this episode is this:
You need to ask the right questions before choosing a therapist.

Here are a few I walk you through:

• What is your stance on going no-contact with a parent?

• Have you worked with clients who have parents with borderline or narcissistic personality disorders?

• How do you support clients navigating toxic family dynamics?

• How do you support your clients' in deciding whether or not to go no-contact with a parent?

The goal is not just to find someone licensed. The goal is to find someone who will believe you, support your autonomy, and help you protect your peace—even when that means going against traditional family values.

You’re Allowed to Prioritize Your Mental Health (Even If It Disrupts the Family Narrative)

So many adult children in dysfunctional families are conditioned to believe their role is to keep the peace, keep the connection, keep trying—even when it’s killing them inside.

This episode is your permission slip to stop doing that.

You do not owe your toxic parent another chance.
You do not have to stay in a relationship with your BPD parent just because they’re “trying.”
You’re allowed to choose healing, even if it disappoints everyone else.

And your therapist should support that.

A Good Fit Matters More Than a Good Resume

In this episode, I talk about the difference between a therapist who looks great on paper and one who actually gets it. Because yes—credentials are important. But so is alignment. If a therapist dismisses your pain, minimizes your trauma, or insists you just need to “talk it out” with your abusive parent, it’s okay to walk away.

Your therapist should help you set boundaries with toxic parents—not push you to tolerate more pain in the name of family.

You Deserve Support That Feels Like Support

This episode of You're Not Crazy is a must-listen if you're:

• Struggling to find a therapist who gets toxic family dynamics

• Trying to survive a borderline parent or narcissistic mom

• Setting boundaries and being told you’re “too harsh”

• Wondering if your experience is valid (spoiler: it is)

• Tired of therapists who tell you to “just talk to them” like that hasn’t backfired a hundred times before

Therapy should feel like a safe place to tell the truth—not another space where you’re gaslit, invalidated, or guilted into betraying yourself.

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Because you deserve therapy that heals—not therapy that harms.