What You Need to Know in Order to Set Boundaries with a Narcissistic Parent

Parenting is complicated under normal circumstances, and requires a delicate balance of love, support, and guidance. Emotionally healthy parenting also demands introspection, the willingness to take accountability, and the ability to repair relationships after making inevitable errors. However, as an adult child of a parent with narcissistic personality disorder, my guess is, your parent was unable to fulfill this role.

Parents with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are so preoccupied with their internal world that they are incapable of acknowledging the needs of others outside of how those needs impact them personally. This absence of empathy (a defining trait in parents with NPD) results in a devastating impact on their children that lasts well into adulthood. 

So what is narcissistic personality disorder exactly?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, an insatiable need for admiration, and an absence of empathy for others. Those with NPD often believe themselves to be special and superior, and often have fantasies of endless success or beauty.

Such individuals are also inclined to willingly exploit others in order to fulfill their own needs and desires. When these characteristics manifest in the context of parenting, the consequences for their children can be quite severe.

(Quick note- like all mental health disorders, NPD can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional who has thoroughly assessed someone with NPD. Whether or not your parent has received an official diagnosis of NPD, I hope you find the information here helpful.)

As a child of a parent with NPD, you may have found yourself in an environment where your emotional needs were repeatedly neglected or where you were punished for having any emotional needs at all.

The self-focused nature of the narcissistic parent renders them emotionally unavailable to their children. As a result, you may have experienced profound feelings of loneliness and low self-worth that has continued into adulthood.

Additionally, narcissistic parents often resort to manipulating their children to satisfy their own emotional needs. Strategies involving guilt, shame, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail are commonly employed by the parent to exert control over their child.

This toxic dynamic fosters a deep sense of inadequacy in their child, which often results in the child adopting people-pleasing behaviors in a never-ending quest for approval from an inherently unpleasable parent.

The relentless pursuit of approval and validation from a parent with NPD often results in their child learning to suppress or ignore their own thoughts and feelings, and instead, assume their parent’s as their own. You may have become trapped in a cycle where your self-image was defined by the desires and expectations of your narcissistic parent, resulting in low self-esteem and low self-confidence as an adult.

Consequently, individuals raised by narcissistic parents may find themselves to be adults who struggle with persistent self-doubt and an enduring fear of failure. These consequences impact not only their personal well-being, but also, their relationships and professional pursuits.

Narcissistic parents impose an unrealistic expectation of perfection upon their children, coupled with an unwavering expression of disappointment when such standards are not met.

This unattainable pursuit of perfection can become a theme in the lives of their children, fostering a normalization of relentless ambition and the lack of understanding how to make progress by setting realistic goals.

The narrative crafted by the NPD parent is one of conditional love, dependent upon the child's ability to meet an impossible standard. As a result, their child interprets rejection as a direct consequence of personal failures instead of the more likely and more complicated explanation. This conditional love and resulting internalized pain can make it incredibly challenging to set boundaries with a parent with narcissistic personality disorder.

Sure, conditional love is not healthy, however our brains think that it’s better than no love at all when we’re in a relationship like this. This cycle reinforces the feeling that the conditional love is real love. It feels good thus it must mean your parent has the ability to be that version of themselves more of the time.

In reality- conditional love is not real love (certainly not conditional love from a parent to their child). This is another form of manipulation that narcissistic parents use to meet their own needs at their children’s expense. And, they do so without care or concern about the trauma inflicted on their children. In order to set boundaries with a parent with narcissistic personality disorder, it’s important to remember this and prepare to cope with the pain which inevitably comes when they withdraw their conditional love as a punishment.

The process of setting boundaries and healing from the impact of narcissistic parenting is challenging, but in no way is it impossible.

Healing from narcissistic parent can take a village. Support from others who understand and validate your trauma is so incredibly important. Psychotherapy plays a pivotal role in supporting the adult children of parents with narcissistic personality disorder in grieving the loss of the parent you deserved as well as helping you process your trauma. Coaching can help you establishing boundaries with your narcissistic parent and acquiring the skills needed to enforce those boundaries.

Regardless of the road you choose, know that healing is possible, boundaries are possible, and you deserve support along the way.