How to Deal with a BPD Parent (Borderline Personality Disorder)

Unlike narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder (BPD) is actually quite treatable with a form of psychotherapy called dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It is a long and challenging journey though, and my guess is, you’re reading this because your parent hasn't fully committed to seeking ongoing, appropriate support.

As an adult, you might have already chosen to distance yourself from the chaos, or you might find yourself still struggling to set boundaries and cope with the emotional toll of your interactions with your BPD parent.

So what is borderline personality disorder exactly?

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by instability in relationships, self-image, and mood, along with impulsive behavior. Not everyone with BPD exhibits the same symptoms, but common aspects of BPD include fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, identity disturbance, impulsivity, self-harming behaviors, emotional dysregulation, chronic feelings of emptiness, intense anger, and transient paranoid thoughts or severe dissociation.

Parents with untreated and unmanaged BPD often have difficulty coping with the normal frustrations associated with childrearing. They are emotionally inconsistent and can feel both loving and scary to their children. This is obviously confusing as positive memories somehow coexist with memories of anger and emotional volatility. Children of parents with unmanaged BPD often feel like they’re walking on eggshells, never quite sure when their parent will next explode.

(Quick note: while an official diagnosis of BPD requires a thorough assessment by a mental health professional, I hope you find this information to be helpful whether your parent has received an official diagnosis or not)

The emotional instability demonstrated by a parent with unmanaged BPD often forces their children into a premature caregiving role, robbing them of a normal childhood.

As the adult child of a parent with BPD, you may experience a profound sense of responsibility for other people’s emotions. This stems from being given both direct and indirect messages as a child that you were the cause of your parent’s outbursts and you were solely responsible for resolving their distress as well as preventing it moving forward.

Maintaining a relationship with a parent with unmanaged BPD is challenging.

You may prioritize their needs over your own, fearing their reaction to boundaries. Attempting to express your feelings to them might be met with anger, threats, or blame, leading you to backtrack or console your parent while pushing your own feelings aside.

Healing from this toxic relationship dynamic requires taking the time and space to process your experiences and decide what relationship (if any) you want with your parent. Psychotherapy, especially with a therapist who is experienced in working with this relationship dynamic, can provide a safe space for this. So can this online community. Once you’ve decided on how you’d like to move forward, coaching can be an incredibly useful tool and also provide support.

Establishing healthy boundaries with a parent who has unmanaged BPD is challenging, particularly considering the potential for emotional volatility and self-harming behavior. Prioritizing your safety and addressing concerns about your parent's reactions is crucial. You are not alone, and there is a way forward based upon what you want for yourself, not fueled by fear or guilt. I hope the information you find here helps move you forward on that journey.