Torie Wiksell: 0:14
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. I'm your host, Torie Wiksell, a therapist and coach with over a decade of experience in the mental health field. Now let's jump in. Okay, let's talk about what not to do if you decide to go no contact with a parent with either borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. So this is kind of weirdly a hot topic right now, I guess, which is very interesting to me for many reasons. But going no contact with a parent is being talked about a lot right now in the media, on social media, and there is some really good advice out there, and there is some horrendous advice out there, and some of the good advice comes from therapists and some of the horrendous advice comes from therapists. And one of the absolutely worst, of the worst ideas I have ever heard someone give to people who are going no contact with a parent came from a therapist, and it's this idea that there is ever a good time to send a letter to a parent that you're going no contact with, telling them that you're going no contact with them. So let's jump in as to why I highly discourage you from doing this and when a letter might actually be appropriate. Let's talk about when a letter might be appropriate first. So if you have trouble communicating with your parent, which I imagine many of you do, I think sometimes putting together the things that you want to say, if you're setting a boundary, if you're asking your parent to work with you on the relationship, putting your thoughts down on paper is not always a bad idea. I think sometimes even having that with you when you go talk to them and trying to have a conversation with them. But if that conversation feels like it's not very productive and you're feeling really flooded, sometimes it can be helpful to just say, "I've actually written down a lot of my thoughts, because I know I don't always do the best job explaining them in the heat of the moment when I'm feeling really overwhelmed, and so if it's easier, maybe you could read that and then we can talk after." I think in certain situations that can be a productive thing to do.
Torie Wiksell: 2:44
However, let's go back to going no contact. So this therapist, a part of their, you know, regular recommendations to clients is writing a letter to their parents telling them they're going no contact, and to me this feels very much like a mic drop moment, like, we all have those fantasies, right, when you're working at a horrible job and you're like, "I'm just going to like, go in one day and just quit and leave them with all of these tasks that I normally do, they're just going to have to figure out." Or, you know, even with your parents, I think there's probably some fantasy world in which you just tell them no and slam the door and never see them again. Totally understandable, you're human. These fantasies are normal and healthy. I think what's not healthy is to actually implement these mic drop moments, right?
Torie Wiksell: 3:38
There's going to be ramifications from that, and I think, while the idea of having a mic drop moment where you're really in control and taking your power back is, in theory, nice, I think when you're dealing with a parent who you've chosen to go no contact with, I'm going to guess it's because there's been ongoing abuse of some sort in that relationship, because why else would you be going no contact with them, right? And the last thing that you want to do is provoke an abuser. The last thing you want to do is to intentionally have a gesture that is provocative, that is perceived as antagonistic in some way, shape, or form, whether it is or not, the perception of it being antagonistic by your parent. That's a horrible, horrible idea, and I could not more strongly discourage you from doing that. I think what is more likely to happen if you do send a letter saying you're going no contact with your parent, I don't think they're going to self-reflect. I don't think that it's going to achieve the mic drop fantasy that you had. I think they're going to get really pissed off and I think that it's only going to make the situation worse. They could become really hostile and come after you in some way.
Torie Wiksell: 5:03
People with BPD and people with narcissistic personality disorder have serious issues with the way that they express their emotions. They have serious issues with acting out in ways that are dangerous at times to either themselves or other people, and the last thing you want to do is to poke a person that demonstrates these ongoing unsafe behaviors and an inability to appropriately regulate their emotions. And so I think that if you do decide that you want to go no contact with your parent, you need to think through a lot of safety aspects. First, you really need to think through what are the patterns of behavior that my parent demonstrates when they're really upset, because my guess is this is going to be a very upsetting thing for them. You want to safety plan and talk through handling all of those situations, protecting yourself if you're worried about them hurting themselves, what you want to do about that to address it.
Torie Wiksell: 6:06
You really want to be realistic about what potentially could be the fallout from going no contact and how you can choose to deliver or even not deliver a message about your intention to go no contact based on those things. So I don't think you always have to say it. Chances are, you're really... I mean, not chances are, 100% of the time your relationship has not been hunky-dory if you are going no contact, if you're choosing to go no contact, and so whether or not your parent wants to pretend that this is coming out of nowhere and is a surprise, it's not, and so I think you could do kind of like the phase out if you wanted to. I think the way you go no contact is so dependent on your specific situation and your specific relationship with your parent and their reaction to getting information that they do not want to receive. So there are many layers here. Obviously, do not want to receive. So there are many layers here.
Torie Wiksell: 7:12
Obviously, and if I can encourage you to do anything, it's to be very intentional and very realistic. If you do choose to go no contact with your parent, in how you're going to go about doing that, ask yourself, what is my ultimate goal if I'm going no contact? Do I really want to make things worse before I do? My guess is no. My guess is at your core you want to heal. You are going no contact because you want a happier, more peaceful life, and creating more chaos on the way out is not really going to help you achieve that.
Torie Wiksell: 7:48
And so I think if you're very intentional, you're very realistic about who your parent is, what they're likely to do with the information that you give them, and how you deliver it, I think you're going to set yourself up for the most successful no contact that is possible. Because, let's face it, it's complicated, right? There is no perfect situation here, but I'm telling you, the letter thing just sounds like a really bad idea, so don't do it. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of You're Not Crazy. Make sure to follow me on Instagram at Torie Wiksell, and you can find out more about my therapy and coaching practices at TorieWiksellTherapy.com and ConfidentBoundaries.com. Thanks so much. I'll see you next time.
